I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. -Rodney Dangerfield Respect
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. -Rodney Dangerfield Hope
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. -Rodney Dangerfield Age
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. -Rodney Dangerfield Marriage
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. -Rodney Dangerfield Hope
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. -Rodney Dangerfield Marriage
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -Rodney Dangerfield Truth
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. -Rodney Dangerfield Home
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. -Rodney Dangerfield Morning
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. -Rodney Dangerfield Best
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. -Rodney Dangerfield Marriage
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. -Rodney Dangerfield Home
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. -Rodney Dangerfield Food
