I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' - Demetri Martin 2 Share Now -
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. - Demetri Martin 3 Share Now -
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. - Demetri Martin 4 Share Now -
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. - Demetri Martin 5 Share Now -
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. - Demetri Martin 6 Share Now -
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. - Demetri Martin 7 Share Now -
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. - Demetri Martin 8 Share Now -
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. - Demetri Martin 10 Share Now -
