If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. -George Carlin Alone
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. -George Carlin Time
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. -George Carlin Funny
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. -George Carlin Money
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin Christmas
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. -George Carlin Work
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. -George Carlin Death
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. -George Carlin Work
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. -George Carlin Death
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? -George Carlin Freedom
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. -George Carlin Death
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. -George Carlin Family
