I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright Home
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright Birthday
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright Legal
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. Steven Wright Car
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Steven Wright Birthday
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright Time
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright Space
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. Steven Wright Relationship
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright Morning
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. Steven Wright Art
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. Steven Wright Imagination
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. Steven Wright Imagination
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Steven Wright Power