I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright Car
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Steven Wright Birthday
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Steven Wright Car
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright Car
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright Car
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Steven Wright Future
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. Steven Wright Politics
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. Steven Wright Humor
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. Steven Wright Humor
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. Steven Wright Politics
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. Steven Wright Fear
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. Steven Wright Amazing
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' Steven Wright Money
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright Good
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' Steven Wright Funny