If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -Henny Youngman Funny
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. -Henny Youngman Medical
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman Marriage
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -Henny Youngman Medical
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. -Henny Youngman Women
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman Anniversary
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? -Henny Youngman Dad
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. -Henny Youngman Marriage
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. -Henny Youngman Home
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. -Henny Youngman Car
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman Time
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -Henny Youngman Anniversary
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman Music
